In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Ghost of Ronald Reagan

In the land of the free – the church of the brave
You don’t rock the boat, boy, you’d better behave
You gotta find the swell and ride the wave

Are you saved?
So, why haven’t you shaved?

These proud and lost sheep are seeking to get pastors of churches to endorse John McCain from the pulpit. They are claiming this right under the First Amendment and boldly challenge the IRS to call into question their church's tax exempt status. They will even offer legal services to pastors who will go along with the plan and find themselves in trouble with the IRS.

Around the mid 1980s, churches across the nation offered "voter guides" in the foyer, by which a church-goer would know which candidate was godly and which was a devil in disguise. The devils were easy to spot as they had a "D" next to their names, whereas the righteous had an "R". These guides were put out by groups like James Dobson's Focus on the Family, and the effort was effective enough that Pat Robertson thought he had a shot at the presidency in '88. The voter guides were simple: Against abortion? Here's your candidate. This was the beginning of the Christianization of the right wing, (or the right winging of Christians,) giving rise to Ralph Reed, Rush Limbaugh and eventually, to our country's shame, the master propagandist Sean Hannity.

Now, the Alliance Defense Fund has Barack Hussein Obama in their sights. They always use his middle name. It is barely-veiled code for "Muslim," but on a deeper level, it means "Antichrist" to many American Christians. It's quite simple: he wants to kill babies because he is not anti-abortion; he wants to steal all your money because he supports certain taxes. He is a Sleeper Devil out to upend your country's Godly Beginnings. And we must "stand in the gap" to make sure our country is not taken over by this charming unknown man, who Scripture may or not may not say was prophesied about by John in the Book of Revelations! (Hint: If a Christian says "Revelations" in the plural, they need to be directed to a free Gideon's Bible. The book is called "The REVELATION of St. John the Divine." Singular.) If they can't find him in "Revelations," they'll consult Nostradamus or any easily debunked email forward they received from an anonymous concerned citizen.

First of all, we should examine what, if any, credentials John McCain might have among these Christians. Other than his recent embrace of the religious right, there is little in his history that would suggest Senator McCain is anything but an immoral man. As recently as two months ago, Dr. Dobson himself suggested he might sit this election out, since John McCain was such a degenerate and non-friend of Christians. John McCain is an opportunist, whose lifelong quest for power was accelerated when he was denied Admiral status by a US Navy finally fed up with his entitlement mentality. But what has changed since Dobson declared McCain unworthy? One thing:

Sarah Palin.

Ms. Palin comes on the scene at the perfect time for McCain. She holds the beliefs of the religious right dearly, and says that the phrase in the pledge of allegiance, "one nation under God" was good enough for the Founders, even though the Founders had never even heard of the Pledge. Matters not. Palin goes to church. She is not in favor of abortion. She gave birth to a Down Syndrome boy. She is pretty. End of story. Challenge the IRS. God Bless America. Save us, Sister Sarah, raised up by God for a time such as this. "Sarah is that standard God has raised up to stop the flood." "The flood" being the unholy, ungodly liberal elite media and their anointed messiah, Obama. (They continually refer to him in jest as "messiah," trusting you will understand the tongue-in-cheek warning.)

Bad news, fellow Christians: (Yes, I am a Christian, just like Jimmy Carter, the man whose name you jeer whenever it comes up. You regard him as some sort of anti-American loser, the "worst President in history" who took our country down some horrible road of apathy and sadness that nearly ruined our awesome standing in the world. Thank GOD Reagan came about when he did.) YOUR COUNTRY IS NOT CHRISTIAN. It never was.

What? Are you going to tell me George Washington, slave holder, worshiped the same Jesus you do? Was he just a product of his time, unable to recognize that black people were equal? How might General Washington have felt about abortion? Might you forgive him if he saw the unborn as 1/3 human?

Let's take Thomas "Slave Banger" Jefferson, he who had his own customized Bible that discounted any miracles of Christ. Is this your brother?

Your tax exemption should be revoked permanently. What right do you have to tax exemption to begin with? You build giant cathedrals to your vanity, with cafeterias and bowling alleys, bookstores and state-of-the-art broadcast gear. Why do you cheat the very country you claim to love as you endorse, now defiantly from your pulpits, a particular candidate for President?

We don't fit the little fellowship clique
It's enough to make you sick
I can't pledge to the building program
or dedicate a brick

You would hang the portrait of Ronald Reagan next to one of Jesus as you preach from a stage where you proudly display the American flag. And you will pay for your glorious trappings on the backs of your sheep, whom you have browbeat into believing that Jesus requires 10% of their income to support "his work" here on earth. An obscure Old Testament passage is now Christian doctrine because it lines your pockets and enables you to live like corporate CEOs. You have boards of directors and business meetings. You have competitive preachers jockeying for choice positions and high salaries. You are swindlers, con men and reprobates.

The "Faith of Our Fathers" was old, mainline Protestantism; Quaker, Presbyterian, Congregationalist, Methodist and Lutheran, which you regard as wishy-washy and watered down. Some of the Founders were Catholic, which you regard as a "Mary Cult." Many were, in fact, atheists. But that old stuff isn't radical like your faith. It's not bold like your faith. Your faith has its own coffee shops and radio stations and music industry and magazines. Your faith has its own book publishers and television networks. Your faith is active in the halls of Congress, influencing legislation and leaders as you "take the country back for God." But woe unto any man who won't tow the party line and instead preaches fire, like Jeremiah Wright. "Dangerous America hating liberal. Probably even a communist." More bad news for you, friends: the 1st Century church in Jerusalem wouldn't know you. They were your basic liberal commies, as "they began selling their property and possessions and were sharing them with all, as anyone might have need."

Your faith has become a mongrel. It is an unholy mix of too little scripture and too much patriotism, and you don't know where one ends and the other begins. You know just enough scripture to get what you want from your people and you love the flag more than you do humility. Your faith is pride - and God hates pride. You would sooner read an anonymous email forward and believe that Obama is the Antichrist than you would take the time to read the last book of the Bible.

Should you ever delve into the book, pay close attention to Chapter 18. You might find yourselves in there.

You have made Liberty a whore, and your faith is little more than cheap costume jewelry.

I Have Sad News for Republicans

Ronald Reagan is dead. He left the White House 20 years ago. You don't know what he would've done in today's political climate, and you don't know how he might've handled the present Wall Street mess. When you daily bring up his name as if he was some sort of god on earth, you sound not only ridiculous, but you sound like you have no ideas of your own. "What would Reagan do?" you keep asking. Keep asking. You'll never know.

And in case you forgot, he was an actor. He remembered his lines. He took direction well. He was no more his own man than any politician before or since, perhaps even less so.

Jammakane Says, "Psyche! I'll Debate Ya!"

Much has been written, spoken and shouted with insane partisan vitriol about the thinness of Obama's resume, and to reply with "He was a community organizer!" is a pretty weak retort. Obama's resume is extremely thin, but one thing Obama isn't is a knee-jerk, stunt-prone, crap-shootin' drama queen, like The War Hero Straight Talking Maverick Man of Action, John Sydney McCain III.

We've just been through eight years of a cock-sure bastard of a spoiled frat-boy President, and fully one half of this country is ready to replace him with another. Obama displays grace under pressure, whereas McCain acts on impulse, often looking petulant and borderline insane. Call it politics, but picking Sarah Palin showed a giant lapse in judgment, as did his recent "I've got to go to Washington and put my country first" bullshit ploy.

Turns out Ole Man will be at Ole Miss tonight for the big debate, now that he got his photo-op where he was pretending to be involved in the Wall Street bailout while pretending to suspend his campaign. I probably agree more with McCain on the issues than I do with Obama, but the man's severe lack of integrity, while loudly proclaiming what a man of integrity he is, makes me unable to take him seriously. With apologies to anyone who likes him, I think this guy is an absolute piece of shit, and I'm pretty sure I still have the right to think that in America.

I propose a new drinking game for tonight's debate:

• Every time McCain says "My friends," do a shot.
• Every time he says, "Here's some straight talk," do two shots.
• Every time he refers to Vietnam or brings up being a POW, do three shots.

You will be wasted in five minutes.

Speaking of Ole Miss, how do they get away, in this day and age, of calling their team "The Rebels"? That old Southern Pride dies hard. Not that I am in favor of revisionist history, but Rebels? Really? Why not the Slave Holders? Or Racists? How about Lynch Mob?

And lest anyone doubt that this election is tinged with overt racism, there is an underground element at work that will never in a million years consider voting for a black man. I received a mass email last night, forwarded who-knows-how-many times to countless individuals. The text of the email said, "This is tooooo funny!!!!!" Below that was a Photoshopped image of Obama shining Palin's shoes. The original photograph can be seen here, and the photographer from Australia is not amused.

I'm No Economist, But I Think It Goes Like This

Click for larger version

Fear and Greed

Push Poll Paul

I've modified "Cold Call Carl" as we come into the final stretch of this marathon of an election season. The din of the spin is deafening and dumbing.

If I were a teacher and America sat in my classroom, I would mark on her paper, "F. See me."

click for bigness

Crossposted to Where's My Jetpack?

Joe Zark

Alaskans are getting understandably pissed that their state is being mocked nationwide as some sort of meth-lab trailer-trash white racist book-burning haven of religious extremists who squirt out babies every 9 months while hunting wolves from airplanes as they eat moose burgers.

I've been to Alaska twice and I can attest that it is a very nice place, more so in the summer, and that these broad generalizations and urban-snobbish opinions can easily be applied to any state in the Union. I'm sure upstate New York has its share of hill-folk. I once met a man in Leesburg, Virginia, 40 miles from Washington, DC, who talked about how "we" beat back the Yankees at a certain point on the Potomac. I know you don't have to venture too far here in Florida to find less than urbane and civilized characters. And having lived for a few years in the town of Ozark, Missouri, I can solemnly state that few regions of the United States could rival the Ozarks for backwoods closed-mindedness. (And meth labs.) Oh, they love Jesus, doncha know, but they love the white, Matthew McConaughey Jesus who votes Republican.

Joe Zark is my expression of my love/hate of the beautiful/ugly state of Missouri, which is really no different than any other state.


Advertisers: You may rent space on Joe Zark's hat or overalls.

Here's another Joe Zark.

Subtle

Yard sign in the hood, featuring the burning Twin Towers of the World Trade Center, the obvious assumption being that only McCain (and PALIN!) can prevent this from happening again. Keep America Safe. And by the way, John McCain can't comb his own hair. So vote for him.


I cannot imagine what the 2012 election is going to be like. This has gotten so out of hand that I am very seriously ready to emigrate to Australia.

In case you're interested, here's where the sign points you to.

Crossposted to Where's My Jetpack?

I Think Eisenhower Warned About this

The "military-industrial complex" that is.

So, I'm following a link from the always funny Public School Intelligentsia over to the Washington Post's political blog, when my visit is interrupted by a GIANT TROOP-CARRIER HELICOPTER FLYING ACROSS THE SCREEN. It eventually lands in the banner ad you see at right in this screenshot, and is then boarded by brave men of our armed forces, carrying a wounded comrade. I'm sure Boeing paid huge money for this ad (as they do for their :60s on most major news networks) and a newspaper can use all the money it can get these days.

Still, it strikes me as oddly pro....something.

Here's Eisenhower's prescient warning, from his farewell address to the nation.



Crossposted to Where's My Jetpack?.

Lipstick on a Myth

The notion of John McCain as a "war hero" is a pretty stretched truth that has been swallowed whole by most of America. Add to that the "face" of Palin and Mr. Maverick thinks he has a winning formula. And the formula will work for fully one-half of the country, Joe Zark among them. And don't be fooled; the right-wing media's love for Palin is based first on her youthful image, secondly on her supposed "reformer" record, the facade of which crumbles with each passing day.
Joe Zark was created in homage to my former town of residence, Ozark, Missouri. Ozark is a quaint, quiet and wonderful town, but it is peopled mostly by backwoods assholes who pretend to love Jesus. If you can't see it, Joe's hat reads "Inbreds for McCain."

Get Your Propaganda Straight, People

You would expect that when you employ an army of surrogates to go out and talk to the press, they could stick to the approved talking points. Nowhere on yesterday's list of approved blurbs was the phrase, "Sarah Palin could not run a major corporation."

But that's exactly what overpaid golden parachutist and former CEO of Hewlett-Packard, Carly Fiorina said yesterday for McCain's campaign. She of the scarecrow hair and perpetual sneer hidden behind a fake smile later tried to retract and clarify her accidental truth-spillage, but the damage was done and now Carly will be put out to pasture like the old cow that she is.

Goodbye, hack lady pretending to know how to run a major corporation. It's time for you to write another book about clawing your way to the top, how tough it is being a woman in a man's business world, how the decline of HP was the fault of someone else. Then you can go be a motivational speaker to Republican Hockey Moms across the land.

One less loudmouth surrogate is the country's gain.

YouTube in 1801

Synonym Pledge

Please rise. All together now, with your hands over your hearts:

I swear adherence to the banner of the Amalgamated Territories of America and to the nation for which it is symbolic, one homeland under a generic deity, inseparable, with autonomy and evenhandedness for each and every one.

The Problem With Democracy is Everyone Gets to Vote

And let's face it, this country is loaded with idiots. Here's your proof: a poll that has nothing to do with anything and reduces the "national discourse" to a prime-time soap opera.

More proof? These recent words from a McCain spokeshack:

"We’re running a campaign to win. And we’re not too concerned about what the media filter tries to say about it."

Jesus Wants You To Know

• That he doesn't have a favorite candidate in the upcoming election
• That he's not even old enough to be elected himself
• That he considers the only nation "under God" to be in the Middle East
  
• That he isn't registered as a Republican
• That he hates when you bring him into politics
• That being "pro-life" should not include supporting the death penalty
• That he heard your prayer and he isn't going to kill the people you hate
• That claiming he is on your side is starting to piss him off
• That Hurricane Gustav happening during the RNC was "totally coincidental"
• That saying "our thoughts and prayers are with the families" has become cliché
• That the "Rapture Theory" is pure American escapist bullshit
• That the Left Behind authors are charlatans
• That he's disappointed lately in Dr. James Dobson
• That not all dogs go to heaven
• That you really need to turn your TV off once in a while
• That when you deride Jimmy Carter, it makes him sad
  
• That he has no opinion on nativity scenes in public spaces
• That Catholic priests should be allowed to marry
• That the flag has no place in church
• That if you cite obscure Old Testament laws to prove your points, you shouldn't eat shrimp either
  
• That saying "God Bless You" when someone sneezes is stupid
• That West Virginia is not really "almost heaven"
  

John McCain Rides A Woman's Coattails...Again

I feel like I'm living in a cartoon world, or maybe I'm just trapped in a Reality TV show from which there is no escape. Governor Palin's entry on the national scene has made it clear that politics is complete bullshit. This is no longer an election; it has become a beauty pageant. While the right wing drool with excitement over her, the left are wringing their hands, freaking out that their own superstar is suddenly no longer the new shiny. And John McCain should be ashamed that he ever wore a uniform, dishonorable lying scumbag that he has become. But when you have no honor, you have no shame either, so he likely won't be ashamed at all.

I heard a local righter slip up and call his candidates "the Palin-McCain ticket" yesterday. He was accidentally very correct.

There's a Special Place in Hell

...for this great American. He is Goebbels reincarnated.

Down in Mom's Basement

I heard Mike Huckabee talking about bloggers "playing Dungeons and Dragons and writing from Mom's basement" last week. I think Mike's a nice guy, but he's about as stupid and out-of-touch as a man can be.

First of all, my Mom doesn't have a basement. And anyway, Mike, I moved out of Mom and Dad's home many years ago. My parents recently lost a dog who lived with them longer than I did. Dungeons and Dragons? Way to stay in touch, Mike.

The media has changed. Common people with no journalistic training and plenty on their minds can now offer commentary on anything. Many do it out of frustration. Many do it because they think they have something unique to say. Many do it to parrot their favorite talking heads or cheer on their favorite teams. I do it because I'm frustrated and I have something to say. I read, see and hear plenty of idiots getting paid to write and talk about their opinions. I will be one more idiot. If you don't like what I write here, comment and we can discuss it. I'm pretty open-minded and often change my mind if shown facts that convince me. That's what reasonable people do. In politics, that gets you labeled a "waffler" or "flip-flopper." But if you are here to spew your party's talking points and fill this blog with political spam, I will delete your comments, just as Sean Hannity hangs up on people he doesn't like.

I'm not running for office. I'm here as a citizen of the United States of America who hates where his country has gone and doesn't like where it's going. I have lived on both coasts and plenty of places in between. I grew up in the military, the son of a Protestant career Army officer from California and a Catholic homemaker from New York. My "Americanism" will stand up to anyone's. I know my country. I think it's a great experiment and I respect it, but I don't worship the flag.

This Blog is Back

I'm not even sure why I care about this country anymore, cesspool that it's become, but I still do. So I'm reviving this blog.