Homeland Security Issues New Travel Protocols
(WASHINGTON, DC) Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano, (not that there's anything wrong with that) under fire in the wake of the near-miss bombing aboard a Detroit bound plane over the Christmas holiday, has issued harsh new airline travel laws, effective immediately.
"We will all fly naked," Napolitano said, "And tough shit if you don't like it."
Already, privacy advocates are filing lawsuits against the federal government.
"This is an outrage!" said John Johnson, a fat lawyer who doesn't want to be seen naked in public.
Napolitano says that the would-be Christmas bomber, having sewn explosive powder into his underwear, is the one to blame, not her.
"And as long as we're on the subject," Naploitano said, "The first bomber with a suppository explosive will be the one you can blame when we start doing cavity searches."
"When explosive underwear are outlawed, only outlaws will have explosive underwear," said Johnson, "And where does this stop? When is enough enough?"
"Enough is enough when I can count the pubes on your balls!" responded Napolitano, who is said to be in possession of her own massive set.
Some travelers appear to be warming to the idea.
Eugene Purvee, an unemployed ice cream truck driver, says he is planning on traveling much more now.
"I feel safer now. This is good. This is really really good. This is awesome," said Purvee.